Making a House a Home/ Creating a Place of Refuge

Today I spoke to my MOPS group. I had several mom's that asked for me to post my notes to my blog so that they would be able to look at them or see what they missed as they were coming in and out. Below is my outline from my time with them. If you have any questions just post a comment here or email me.

 

You may know the scene all too well, you get home from play group in time to feed the kids leftovers from McDonalds (that you picked up last night because you were late for t-ball practice), once they were fed you tried to get them to lay down for a nap, but they wouldn’t stop running circles around you and hitting those pots you haven’t used in several months with wooden spoons you used to “discipline” them with the last time they wouldn’t stay in bed. Your husband comes home to a messy house, and you have absolutely no idea what you are going to make for dinner because the last time you were at the grocery store you didn’t have a menu or a grocery list and you ended up getting 6 cans of Spaghettios, 3 packages of ramen noodles, and a case of Kool-Aid coolers.  Your home is cluttered with homemade art projects,  unlaundered clothes that don’t fit anymore, and exercise equipment that isn’t used and collects whatever bags you throw on it after the kids 4 nights of practice and AWANA and small group. After you finally get the kids bathed and in bed (in spite of the several disagreements you’ve had with your husband) you throw yourself onto your couch and think will it ever end? Why are things so chaotic? Will there ever be any order and peace in my life?

Without order in the home parents are unable to implement even the simplest decisions on training their children. Usually the parents end up making decisions completely independent of one another which results in confusion, chaos, and frequent arguments with both children and spouses. Any time decisions collide problems arise and tempers flare.

·        God desires for His people to conduct their lives in an orderly fashion. In fact, 1 Corinthians14:40 says, “Everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.” God is absolute order. He designed and created the world and all mankind with perfect order. He was not an irresponsible creator. He didn’t just create the world and then leave us here to flounder around attempting to find our own way or “do our own thing” (A phrase we here a lot these days.). God put into place several institutions (church, government, family) and gave each of them authorities or leaders that would govern over them. For the family, it’s the Husband who is to lead, and the wife who is to willingly submit.

·        Learn to be submissive and respectful to your husband. Ephesians 5:22

o      Don’t be confused by submission. It’s not the same as obedience, which is a concept that is used for children who are to OBEY their parents, slaves and servants who are to obey their masters, and believers who are to obey the gospel. With obedience, we see a promise of a blessing with compliance or a negative consequence for rebellion.

o      Submission is being under someone else, but is a calling to CHOOSE to obey. Women may find trusting their husband (and God) very difficult. With Christ as our example we can submit to God because we trust Him. With that trust and the knowledge in God’s plan for marriage, a wife can also willingly submit to her husband’s leadership. It seems that the very core of most marriage problems stem from women’s hesitation to trust God and in turn, her husband.

o      I know there may be several of you who are thinking your husband isn’t worthy of being submissive to. Remember that we are not in any place to judge AND that God has us under our particular authority for a reason (be it to teach us something or to teach our husband something), and because we can trust God, we can trust that his plan is perfect and living under the authority of our husbands will allow us to also live under the authority of God and in any case be protected. We live in a world where rebellion against authority is normal, and in some cases condoned and promoted and the concept of submission is considered old fashioned.  Because of the orderly way God fashioned marriage, this rebellion will ALWAYS take us out from under God’s protection. This will result in a home filled with strife and discord. Disorder and chaos always rain upon us as a consequence of stepping out from under the umbrella that God designed for our protection. It’s almost like women are walking around soaking wet and have no idea why. With your husband under God’s authority, and you under his authority, you will be unstoppable.

·        The best way to get started is to have “the talk” with your husband. Find out what his expectations for you and your children are and the goals he’d like to have for your family. He may do one of two things. He may have a hard time coming up with ideas at first because his thoughts, ideas, and opinions have been oppressed. Let him know that you genuinely want to hear what he has to say. Keep asking until he’s ready to answer. It might take a while, but he DOES have ideas he can share. He may also be ready and willing with tons of ideas, so get your paper ready! You can ask the following questions:

o      What is important to you?

o      What would you like me to do that I am not currently doing or what would you like me to stop doing that I am currently doing?

o      What are the goals and dreams you have for our family and how can I help you reach them?

o      How can I best serve you and help you?

o      What do you want our family rules and consequences to be?

·        Read the Bible daily. God provided the Bible, His Holy Word, to tell us (among other things) what is right and wrong, and to tell us how we should live their life. Basically our own little Law and Order book for everything in life. There are answers for just about anything. If you are having problems knowing where to start try using the topical index in the back. It’s so helpful. There are also several great online tools you can use such as Biblegateway.com. If you don’t have a Bible that is easy to understand please let me or one of the leaders know and we will get you one that is easy to read and understand.

·        Learn to let go of things and not be so controlling.

o      You may fear that something bad will happen to you or your children if you don’t maintain control over a situation. We may feel it is our place to protect our children and husband from suffering consequences of their wrong actions. We take over and control a situation in order to try to keep all the bad things from happening. When, in most cases, God has a way of turning these bad things into good things. For instance, if you are worried to let your husband have control of the checkbook because you are afraid he’ll bounce a check or miss a bill you might steal from him the lesson of learning to deal with the finances and become a more mature man. The same goes for older children. It may be better for a lazy child who won’t complete their studies to fail a test in order to learn that studying is important and she should be responsible for them instead of you having to nag her about them for hours on end. Letting go of your need to control things and allowing God to lead you and trusting in Him to help you make decisions will take such a huge burden off your shoulders and allow you to better do your duties as helper and companion to your leader and protector husband.

·        Stop trying to be perfect in the eyes of the mother world! Isaiah 64

o      Since I’ve been a stay at home mom, I have struggled in the area of perfectionism. I’d look at my to-do list at the end of the day and think, “WHAT in the world did I do all day that all I did was ADD to my list!?” I’d think that my day needed to be perfect, with perfectly behaved little children who had a perfectly loving mother. I wanted a perfectly clean house, with a perfectly manicured yard. A perfect weed-free garden which produced perfect fruits and veggies which I used for my perfectly balanced meals at the end of a perfectly planned day which all had to due to me being…perfect! The only problem with that is that it all was dependant on ME instead of God. I still set my goals pretty high, but I’ve decided to stop trying to bring myself glory in all I do and do things to the glory of God.

·        Be consistent along with your spouse in the way that you parent.

o      This means consistent discipline, consistent rules, and consistent expectations. A simple list of rules and consequences posted in your home will give your children such peace in knowing what they can and can not do and what will happen IF they break any of those rules.

o      Be sure to follow through with what you say you’ll do. If you don’t follow through your children will learn that they can’t trust you to do what you say, which is a terrible place to be.

·        Remember that each child is different and will need a different approach.

o      What works well with one child might be a terrible way to come to the other. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

·        Use a schedule and family calendar. This can be lose or strict. Mine is color coded and hanging in my kitchen which is centrally located in my home, but synced i-phones work well too! Use this for all family, church, and school activities.

·        Try giving kids a “special day.” This is a time when they can be in charge of helping set the table and do other special tasks such as getting the mail and helping mom in the kitchen.

·        Teach your children to do simple daily chores. Teach them what you expect them to look like, and hold them accountable for their area. Make them simple and easy to complete at first, then work your way up to the harder tasks. Even your littlest kids can help do something.

·        Make a menu and grocery list before going to the store. This can be a simple as a one week menu up to a whole month. Start small and work your way up.

·        Have a set time to clean your home and stick to it!

·        Schedule special projects that need to get done in the family calendar so they are sure to not be forgotten.

·        Prep for dinner right after breakfast. It makes dinner time so much easier to handle.

·        REST at least one day a week. It’s good for the body! And soul!

·        Make all kids (even older ones) to have a rest/quiet time every day. When they rest. YOU rest.  This time should be unplugged for kids. No tv or gaming.

·        Teach kids right habits of thinking and behaving. We can find in the Bible, Ephesians 6:1“Children obey your parents in the Lord, for it is the right thing to do.” Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Deuteronomy 6 talks about having scripture in your home. Take this to heart and fill your home with scripture memory. Have it posted in your home.

·        SIMPLIFY your life! There may be things you need to eliminate from your life such as activities, playgroups, or girl’s nights. Some of these things are great, but not the best for your current season of life. Talk to your husband about things that should be eliminated from your family life.

Easy Ways to Make a House a Home

·        Hang pictures of your family and friends on the walls of your home. There’s something about having your own face in your home that just brings about a sense of security and ownership.

·        Have friends and Family over for meals as much as possible. Jesus ate together with his friends, and there’s just something about having a meal together that brings people together and gets you feeling comfortable.

·        Have Music filling the home. Even better when it’s coming from the kids! A good source for this is Pandora. Be sure that you are filling your home with fun wholesome music, and nothing you wouldn’t want your children to repeat outside the home. Sometimes momma needs a little 80s rock, but be sure you are filling their tiny ears with GOOD music.

·        Read aloud to your children. Make sure these are good, wholesome, living books. These will give kids creative ideas and creative play, and will nourish their minds with loving, right, noble ideas.

·        Buy Comfy Furniture and be sure your family has a place where they can all come together and be together for fun.

·        Make sure your house smells and looks comfy. A house that is untidy is hard to really rest in. A good air freshener kept close to the door and sprayed before your husband gets home is a great idea and even if your house is messy brings a comfy feeling.

·        Open blinds and curtains early in the morning to let the sunshine in. This is a big deal in our home because it really helps with those of us who are NOT morning people who have to get up EXTRA early.

·        Turn on lamps to create a cozy atmosphere.

·        Make Beds. It makes them more inviting and really helps the room feel more comfortable too.

·        Turn off the TV and all other electronic devices! Our kids are growing up in a techy world. It’s important for them to learn to interact OUTSIDE of electronics. Spend time “unplugged.”

·        Eat at least one meal a day with the entire family.

·        Include scripture reading and praying as a family each day. It doesn’t have to take long. Proverbs a day and a short prayer goes a long way.

If you want a truly peaceful life you must first accept Jesus as your savior and allow Him to alter your life as He sees fit. Jesus Christ is the only foundation that will stand against the winds of time. Only after that can we live our lives to the glory of God and begin building out life upon him. We can do this even if our husbands never do what they are supposed to with their lives. (This includes wives with unbelieving husbands, or husbands who display macho, passive or domineering attitudes.) Living in submission to your husband and to God keeps you under proper protection and helps things run orderly and peacefully.

I am not a pro at any of this. I’m learning every day. I still yell at my children and my husband. I still over throw his decisions and give him the silent treatment to try to get my way. Becoming a “Biblical” woman isn’t something that will happen over night. In fact, it will take a lifetime to get it right, but in the meantime, you can make steps in the right direction, and follow the leadership of your husband and make your house a home.